Walls

8 May 2012

It's choking me. I seem to have developed too many walls. I'm beginning to see the prophecy that was told to me may months ago (I guess I need to listen to it again).

I really did seem to develop a particular sensitivity to people that if they happen to do one horrible thing against me, iron walls come up. It's like an automatic defense mechanism against pre-programmed air missiles. Or like an overactive immune system. But then you know what happens to the heart that protects itself too much. It becomes hard and unloving after its spontaneous ability to trust starts to rust.


The prophecy went something like this: You trust people very easily, you trust and trust people but when they begin to become a burden to you, you tend to avoid them.

Exactly!

I have to say that I'm this kind of person who's health reflects my mental state (like one character in Bloody Monday). Today I remembered things very painful and it caused a churning in the pit of my stomach that made me want to vomit. My heart was palpitating and  I couldn't breathe.

***

Very soon the church is going to expand. I see it happening on a personal level too, by  grace my walls will fall down and relationships will expand.

***

My roommate, Myke (she's a she) tells of this expansion of the church not just physically but also expansions in revelations and wisdom and such. We've been praying for this!

SO exciting!

Also, today I am saddened by a loss of a friend. Well, not literally. We love each other very much and I like her very much. It's just that she's away now to study medicine is a faraway enchanted place. Haha. I wanted to tell her that she's very unfair. I have very few friends who I love deeply and they (most of them) are geographically away from me as for the moment. And then one of them leaves again. Anyway dropping this school kid's philosophy sounds good right about now.

***
I told the Lord that I'm in a tight spot and I definitely need his grace. I see how wretched I am and how limited my vision and thinking is, that I have failed to overlook hurts (so much that I've recognizde these walls that I've developed just now). His love is stronger than my hurts anyway. Praises. Praises. Praises. :)