On Remembering

Disclaimer: I did not realize that my recent post was on the same topic.

I've always been the out-of-sight out-of-mind kind of person but for some reason, some stuff--they just get stuck inside my head on sweet nostalgic replay.

So, click happy mode was on this lazy Saturday afternoon. I clicked on Windstruck to re-watch the movie as I've realized that i've completely forgotten what the story was about. (I watched this back in 2006, I think.)

The movie was of course charming and cute but half-way around I found myself bawling my eyes out. My tears just won't stop.

The trigger scene was this: The lead guy character, Myung-woo tells the lead lady character, Kyung-jin, that he must be the wind or part of the wind in his past life. He wishes to be reincarnated into the wind again when he dies. He also tells her that if he's not around, she'll remember him whenever the wind brushes her face. So... (spoiler coming) Myung-woo dies.

Now, as i watched the movie again. I think my brain lit up here and there remembering these and those memories: A windy day at the university. Making paper wind mills, and etc.

And, I wondered: why did The Paper Dragon Boy thought the same. Did he relate with Myung-woo. Why did he ever liked this sad movie with all it's cliches and montage script. Why do I still talk to him even when it's possible that he doesn't remember me anymore. Why does the human brain try to see patterns out of circumstances all the time. Does connection with a soul transcend the physical world?

I've always been the out-of-sight out-of-mind kind of person,  or so I thought.

Ahh, my head hurts!!

After the storm

After the storm, I don't know what to feel. Even though not directly affected, i felt like I have lost.

The Paper Dragon Boy

Dear friend,

1. It's been a year since you've left, how have you been?
2. Thank you for appearing in my dreams.
3. Last time i saw you, you're so happy, more than you're usual quiet-happy self.
4. I planned to punch you in the tummy--one that would really hurt, but seeing you so fine, I couldn't.
5. Idiot, why'd you go?
6. I couldn't explain the sticky mixture of pain and happiness.
7. You seemed so much more than fine in my dream.
8. You said heaven is so awesome and God is so good. "He's so, so good," you said, your eyes beaming. I was glad to hear that.
9. You were my favorite.
10. The little magic gets multiplied when you come over.
11. We didn't do anything amazing you know. Eating here, walking there, going to school, laughing, talking about nothing substantial, getting into trouble.
12. You loved surprises, I did too.
13. I hate your last surprise, though. You think it's funny.
14. Paper folding colorful dragons, all the time.
15. You told me to name each fold so I would remember. It was fun to do. The "ramen fold" is my favorite but I can't remember it anymore.
16. I don't think I want to make dragons again. We made dozens!
17. Your weirdness sticks like an annoying LSS. But I have to say that it's my favorite song.
18. I wish you didn't go too soon.
19. But i'm happy that you're happy.
20. I want to make a bridge that will continue your quirky dreams up to the sky! Guess what, I think I will.
21. Did you ride paper dragons on your way up?
22. Why must you be so excited about everything including leaving?
23. You promised that we'll make a huge paper dragon using a single paper. Is it possible?
24. Can I see you again?
25. Remember when you wanted to eat the sickly sweet chocolate cakes but ended up giving them to the kids selling sampaguita because it was too sweet?
26. Remember bumping your head on the payphone while you were texting? 
27. Remember your dream of me? That we were under a tree, and you blushed, and you don't know why. That's a cute story.
28. Remember being so scared of the Killer in the Woods story that you didn't want to go home that night anymore?
29. Remember hiding your love life from us your girl friends?
30. Remember spending all your allowance for the week that you can't come home on a Friday?
31. Remember not bathing before going to class and showing off your dandruff to me?
32. Remember all your yucky selfies before the word was invented?
33. You were hilarious.
34. Your drawings on my to do list notebooks, i wish i kept.
35. Remember celebrating your 18th birthday with us in Freedom Park? You wore your Giordano banana yellow jacket.
36. Remember selling us that jacket? You were wearing it already.
37. Remember always coming over always pestering us girls with your bright ideas?
38. Remember us saying our farewells when you decided to transfer to another university? Remember at the jeepney stop, our good-bye hug, and the jeepney going away when you we're just about to ride it. We should have re-hugged so it would have been less embarrassing.
39. Remember riding your bicycle and colliding with a motorcycle on F.O. Street? That. Was. Embarrassing.
40. Remember the day you thought we graduated and you went to campus to see us but we weren't there?
41. Remember walking home at night, under Mr. Sad Lights on Pearl Street?
42. Remember feeling the wind at the park, you said "I feel like the wind!" (from the line in Windstruck) and me saying you're not wind, you're fart, and you being quiet. I'm sorry. It's just that teasing you makes me happy.
43. Remember dropping your underwear at the dormitory hall when you were moving out? Good thing I didn't see it.
44. You loved your siblings so much.
45. They say you're my brother from another mum. Maybe.
46. They say we laughed about our corny jokes at the living room. We did?
47. I can't remember saying thank you when you we're still here.
48. Thank you for being my friend.
49. Thank you for filling up my laughter bank.
50. Thank you for your smile, like a warm summer sunlight.

Me and our Paper Dragon Boy met in 2006. He taught me how to make paper dragons just because I was so fascinated by them. To make paper dragons in 50 folds, here is the link: http://www.zingman.com/origami/zingoridragon.html

We all have crazy friends, and some times we'll only appreciate them when they're gone. This friend of mine taught me that life is short and we can't love too little.

Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

You're the only one who makes me a better person. My wholeness is you. Lately, I've been feeling as if I'm inside a cage. Doing things I needed to do. Like a zombie or a lab mouse of sorts. I'm not unhappy but a certain anxious seed is slowly taking root. "What do I want to do?" --is sometimes--no--most of the time, answered vaguely. I'm not even sure if it is the right question. To rephrase this and direct it to a being more powerful than my conscious (?) self: "What do you want to do, risen Christ inside of me?"

I don't want to live like a lab mouse in drugs, dreaming but not knowing, and living without introspection, Christ breathe, live in me. Amen.

Knowing

I have been confused with this little thing. The possibility of the existence of  a  person so intelligent, so voracious a reader that he had read all the books; heard all the amazing sermons; been through all the religious schools and yet lack discernment of the ways of the Lord. That one may be "wise and prudent" without having true wisdom. I've been asking this for the longest time, what is lacking? lest under some circumstances i fall on the same trap. 

I can't remember how many times I told myself "Maybe i will understand this someday." Oswald Chambers said