Utmost for my highest

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.  I’ve been mulling over this text for almost a month now.

Reading Galatians 5, I realized a lot of things:

1.       If I try to add up something to my salvation, to become more worthy of that salvation, then what Christ did –I have made worthless. (Galatians 5:2)

2.        If I feel inadequate in righteousness and this feeling of lack pushes me into filling it in by good work (e. g. volunteering, ministry, being a good person), then I have overlooked grace. I wanted to be justified by my own means, it’s as if I don’t acknowledge the complete justification that I have in Christ. (Galatians5:4)

3.       What I do, seem to do, and seem to be, (expectations and misconceptions of other people) those things have no value at all. I really don’t have to bother about my reputation/honor, they don’t mean a thing. Love is what matters. (Galatians 5:6)

For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. (Galatians 5:6)

My drive for perfection, added to my pride and fear of judgment –it’s a deadly combination. This produces the unnecessary burden of performancism and feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. When you feel not “good enough”, not the “best” yet. When you say, not yet, not yet.

I know it’s not evil to strive for the best, to give it all you’ve got, to give the utmost. But it is absolute death when all the good efforts become the utmost for my highest. –My honor, my glory, my fame, my praise. (Admitting this produces that sick, sick, sick feeling).

But freedom is in Christ. Christianity is never a burden –idolatry is. As for my case it’s this: the desire to be captain of my ship. This desire to be the god of me is so strong and deeply ingrained in this wretched heart that it manages to creep in stealth, time and time again. It is grace that He made me notice now. And grace still, for in Christ I have overcome.

(My walls have fallen down a long, long time ago. I have been feeling imaginary walls, feeling them like a mime.)

And so this is my prayer.

Thank you Lord because I don’t have to make the performance of a lifetime every second of my life. Thank you for freedom from the need to meet other people’s expectations. Thank you because I only have to please One audience and He is not hard to please at all. Lord you are great! You are good!